How to get VIP Club Prices

Star Trek's Captain Kirk stopped by my place the other day and I thought nothing of it when he asked to borrow my blue-tinted Helix ruler to help him plot a course through the Neutral Zone that would avoid Klingon and Romulan patrols. Kirk and my ruler had only been alone all of five minutes when I heard a most awful sound - like a million pieces of acrylic crying out in terror before being suddenly silenced. When I rushed back into the room, imagine my horror at seeing a sweat-soaked Kirk, grinning maniacally, his wild eyes illuminated by a bright band of light, holding a piece of splintered Helix in each hand. Scratching my head in utter disbelief, I snatched one section of ruler and immediately scrutinised the somewhat jaggy writing. And then it dawned on me. Turns out it wasn't Shatner Resistant (let alone proof) after all. Read the small print very carefully people - even if it's jaggy and actually quite big. On a side note, the ruler's not very good at helping you draw straight lines (wavy edge), or measure things (sensitive to heat and cold) - and that was before recent events. Who knows, perhaps it was precisely these shortcomings that precipitated said recent events? I'm pleased to report, though, that a sharp acrylic splinter is just the thing for use in emergency tracheotomies with a Bic Crystal ballpoint pen barrel, as it will puncture even the toughest windpipe.